He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s going to find out who’s been naughty, nice and doesn’t get too litigious for being defamed by an overweight man breaking into your house and damaging your roof tiles.

Yes, Santa is gearing up for his ‘one day a year’ profession of breaking, entering and dragging chimney soot through the house just to leave either a satsuma or a lump of coal as his judgemental calling card in the spirit of Coca-Cola’s marketing department…

For any young people reading this though, Santa is definitely real. But you know, stranger danger and all that, so take care.

Anyhoo, time to play devil’s advocate (or is that Santa’s Satan’s advocaat?) as BSN considers who might be lucky enough in this cost of living/rising fuel costs crisis to get precious coal in their stocking rather than bruised fruit this Christmas…

Marc Marquez for being too squishy to projectile like that

If someone had asked Marc Marquez in 2019 where he’d see himself over the next five years, his answer probably wouldn’t have been ‘regularly popping to the shop to stock up on paracetamol’. Actually, considering his diplopia, technically he wouldn’t have been able to see much at all…

OK, that’s a bit mean, but Marquez - for all of his wizardry when both he and his motorcycle are stacked the correct way round - hasn’t entirely helped by failing to heed doctors’ advice to avoid high-speed acrobatics without close supervision.

To be fair, you could tell Marquez just wanted to be fast a little too much, which might help explain why he forgot where he was as he accelerated through the braking zone at Turn 3 in Portimao until Miguel Oliveira’s Aprilia got in the way.

It set the tone for the first half of Marquez’s season as he morphed into a video game avatar by crashing before regenerating in time for the next session. ‘Peak Marquez’ was eventually reached in Germany when after experiencing the Sachsenring at 360 degrees for a fifth time, he finally said ‘fuck this, I’m sitting this one out’, culminating in a simultaneous sigh of relief the world over.

Unfortunately for Honda, that also gave him time to decide he didn’t want to ride a bike that was actively trying to hurt him, prompting Marquez to pick up and the phone and call Gresini Ducati, much to the relief of his knackered skeleton.

Marc Marquez for needing a restraining order in qualifying

When he’s not trying to ride his Honda off the highest diving board into an empty swimming pool, Marquez spends his time intently studying the rear-ends of numerous rivals. He studies them very closely, to the extent that he can see right up their, ahem, exhaust pipe…

Fair play though, slipstreaming/piggy backing/humping the bike in front is worth enough time to get any self-respecting racer in heat, but - let’s face it - it’s irritating being followed around a bar by that one person who hears ‘stalk me’ when you say ‘no’.

Still, you’ve got to admire Marquez’s ‘honey badger sloth’ tactics of staying right on that rear tyre even when his chosen target has either slowed to a crawl to shake him or just gone right ahead and ridden down the escape road, into the paddock, out the main entrance and down the M1 just to see what he’d do.

Cease and desist, dude… everyone’s watching!

American Racing for being logical instead of loyal

We like Rory Skinner, so we feel compelled to defend him like a big brother (or Scrappy Doo) and challenge American Racing to a showdown behind the bike sheds at lunch break for dropping him from its 2024 Moto2 line-up despite having a contract.

Alas, contracts may be binding to some, but in reality they’re just paper and paper is pretty flimsy as it turns out.

We’re not good enough at legalise to suggest a class action lawsuit and - putting partisan loyalties aside - Marcos Ramirez does make for a tempting alternative, what with his bouquet of flowers, a bottle of bubbly and a podium trophy, but… umm… it’s not fair *stomps feet and pouts*.

As one door closes, another should hopefully open for the talented Scotsman. Until then, American Racing, you can stay on that side of the pond!

Danny Buchan for hurting Danny Buchan. Repeatedly.

The 2023 BSB season is one Danny Buchan will want to forget… except his aching limbs probably won’t let him.

Three mammoth accidents - at Silverstone, Snetterton and Cadwell Park - ensured Buchan got his money’s worth out of the NHS this year, hampering the momentum he’d built on the SYNETIQ BMW M 1000 RR in 2021 and 2022.

Did he bring it on himself? Was it the bike? Has someone put a hit out on him? We shouldn’t speculate, so let’s just blame James Whitham, because he’s really nice and that makes us suspicious.

Knockhill for breaking Andrew Irwin

Actually, scrap this one. As much as we like Andrew Irwin, Knockhill is hardcore and Scottish so we don’t want to upset it. You should hear about the last guy who was Duffers Dipped?

Ducati bosses for for giving away Johann Zarco’s bike while he was still sat on it

For all of Marco Bezzecchi’s talent, Ducati bosses shouldn’t have been so blatant about offering up Johann Zarco’s seat at Pramac Racing for 2024. I mean, he’s literally right there, he can hear you. Now he’s in a strop and speed-dialling Honda, happy now?!

MotoGP rulemakers for banning legitimate business ‘Jack Miller’s Dinky Service’

MotoGP isn’t fun enough any more. Once upon a time it was Valentino Rossi taking a piss in a portable loo, Jorge Lorenzo almost drowning himself while dressed as a spaceman and persistently winding up Casey Stoner.

Now it’s all BFFs on Rossi’s ranch, too many Spanish flags and Pecco Bagnaia’s overuse of the word ‘sizzerly’ when it should be ‘sincerely’. OK, I take the last one back, it’s quite funny actually…

Thank bogen for Jack Miller then, who calls a spade a f***king spade and will bloody well say it to your face.

So shame on you FIM stewards for shutting down the handy dinky business he does on the side of some other job promoting Red Bull by picking up stray MotoGP riders who need to get back to the pits. 

Quite why they shut it down is anyone’s guess. Everyone knows if you leave a MotoGP rider out on track for too long they go feral… just look at Andrea Iannone.

The Honda RC213V for hating humans

Honda’s engineers may be genius’, but somewhere down the line of developing the RC213V they forgot to change the ‘personality’ setting from ‘evil’ to ‘good’. Unfortunately, the switch is in an awkward place and it’s nearly lunchtime, soooooo…

Indeed, the Honda RC213V is a race bike that doesn’t like to race, do what a bike is supposed to do and often decides it wants to be on top just at the point of completion… of a fast lap.

A bad workman blames his tools. This tool breaks its workmen. 

Thoughts and prayers for whoever is negotiating Honda’s insurance premiums for 2024.

KTM management for the 2023 edition of a bungled management decision

Drum roll, please. The 2023 answer of ‘Which rider will KTM screw over this year?’ is Pol Espargaro, who despite finding a seat in KTM’s annual game of musical chairs (The Hunger Games version) was then pushed off it in favour of Pedro Acosta.

Harsh. More so when you consider he spent an entire month of 2023 with his jaw wired shut. 

Astroturf for always getting in the way 

Urgh, Astroturf. Why do you do that on the final lap? We’re sure you move a couple of inches just to catch people out… by people, we mostly mean Brad Binder. Why do you have beef with Brad Binder?

Also, I still haven’t forgiven you for sanding the skin on my knees right down to the bone during P.E. all those years ago.

Look, we know it’s not your fault, you’re just doing your job… but, I’d like to speak to your supervisor, please?